Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
You Might Also Like
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no