Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
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Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 馃槈
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
I can鈥檛 get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we鈥檙e in the middle of a turf war.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
For once I鈥檇 like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I鈥檓 being identified in a police lineup.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 馃敟馃敟馃敟馃敟
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
I鈥檒l never judge another mom鈥檚 house, unless of course she has little kids and it鈥檚 spotless
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don鈥檛 have to spell it the kids are asleep
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
If I鈥檓 a vampire, I鈥檓 going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don鈥檛 need air and there鈥檚 no sunlight? Let鈥檚 go.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*