Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
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My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
I thought this was funny lol
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.