I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
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trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
why would tinder want me to say this
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Truth
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*