Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
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Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
what
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good