Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
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The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.