To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
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Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
when someone compliments me
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
I would like even faster food.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts