I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
You Might Also Like
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Art by Pastelkatto
Why does laundry happen to good people?
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.