Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
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1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
We all have our pet causes.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister