I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
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KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Time heals everything 🙂
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.