Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
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Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Cha-ching is my safe word
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?