A man of commitment.
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*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS