Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
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her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
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If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:![]()
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.