Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
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Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.