I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
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Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Wait a second…
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary