Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
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waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*