Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
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I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Golf would be better with landmines.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it