girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
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Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Nigella has gone too far this time.
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Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Room with a view.
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Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
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“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
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Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.