girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
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funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Sooo many times…..
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.