Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*

A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.

College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years

“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.

Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”

Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”

The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.

My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.

*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*

[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no

my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be

Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*

ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…

WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real

What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”

Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?

When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”

Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great

Her: I chose you for your brains

Me: aww

Her: in case I ever become a zombie

All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.

I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me

SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical

ME: Oh no

SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut

Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.

Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.

Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.

CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.

I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.

Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.

I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.

ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out

Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.