My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
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Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.