By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
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The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.