I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
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A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:
-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.