I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
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the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
the chicken was already gone when I got here
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious