A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:
-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip![]()
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Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
I finally found a reason to live again.
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How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime