genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
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When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower