A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
You Might Also Like
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
Just a reminder, folks:
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]