I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
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on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so