I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
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What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
This cat wants you to take your pills
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Spring cleaning checklist…
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.