I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
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Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.