Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
You Might Also Like
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor