We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
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Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.