-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
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Me trying to look natural in photos
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
kids play hide and seek like
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.