My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
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Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.