People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
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Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
👾👾👾
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?