Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
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You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
My biological clock is wheezing.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.