Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
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Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*