[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
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A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
My nickname in high school was “who?”
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.