Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
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My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
my boss: here’s your raise
me: thanks
my landlord: he was talking to me
My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains