Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
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a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
I’m not lazy
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted