Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
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My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please