Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”
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i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.