Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
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What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.