What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
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went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Finished stitching this today 😇
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Oh thanks BBC.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Barbie gone wild
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.