What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
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[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
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The French cow says MEUX…
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
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I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.