Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
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Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Speak now or ever hold your peace
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.