I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.

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When did white people become such fucking pussies?


It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?


I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.


My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.

Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.


The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.


Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?


Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.


Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.


Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.


I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.