I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
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If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
this is me
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake