If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
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I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
The Struggle
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*