THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
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I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
i did the math
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Your honor these allegations are
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”