Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
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What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*