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interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
This came to me in a dream.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato