A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
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They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
I’d rather fork than spoon.