I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
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[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
In case you needed to hear it:
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?