NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
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Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
[Slaps string cheese out stranger鈥檚 hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn鈥檛 be having this conversation
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
I hate when I鈥檓 on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 馃ぃ
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
If I storm out of a room, there鈥檚 a 50% chance I鈥檒l trip over something on my way out.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
[at the office]
Secretary: There鈥檚 a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Me: You鈥檙e cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven鈥檛 used it in 3 months, I鈥檓 getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I鈥檒l be packing my bags then.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
If you need me, I鈥檒l be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read