Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
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Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
I’m literally crying
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.