Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

Me *sneezes*

My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF

EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: what shall we worship?

EGYPTIAN KING: cats

When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one

“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”

Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake

“So you haven’t?”

Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there

[watching scary part of movie]

10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed

ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool

Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”

Have kids they said…

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed

To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.

*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*

Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!

Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.

Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row

My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”

My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.

The key to a clean house is dim lighting.

I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running

Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.

Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.

Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.

God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.

Angel: One step ahead of you!

God: What did you do?!

Elephant: Quack

If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.

I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.

*stubs toe

*puts $100 in the swear jar

every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun

[zombie apocalypse]

GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.

ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.

GUY: What’s in the sewers?

ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.

i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it

Me: What should we grow?

4-year-old: Tomatoes!

[1 week later]

Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!

4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?

Cashier: do you need bags?

Me: do any of us NEED anything?

Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too

Me: plastic please

I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”

Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.