°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
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Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
mom had nothing to worry about
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?