Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
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I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”